Like A Mountain Girl

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Everything I Wish My Oncologist Told Me About Cancer

Susan Pedigo

To begin, I loved my oncologist when she treated me and still love her today. While I now rarely depend on western medicine to guide me to health, I am eternally grateful for western medicine. It saved my life. The guidance and treatment of my oncologist saved my life. It has been 17 years since I was treated for Stage 3 Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, medicine has evolved since then. Even though I would likely approach my healing differently these days, I firmly believe that my medical team, my family, and myself all made the best decisions we could at the time.

I now have a much better understanding of cancer and health than I did 17 years ago and there are a few things I wish I had known as I navigated healing as a cancer patient and cancer survivor.

#1 Cancer Does Not Just ‘Happen’

When I was diagnosed, I was told that “sometimes these things just happen,” as if cancer growing in my body was random or a confluence of bad luck and bad timing. For years I wondered, what small event, or combination of small events caused my cancer. Did I use the wrong chemical, eat or drink something that started a growth inside of me? I had no idea I was approaching the subject completely backwards.

I think of our body’s health and capacity for negative inputs as a bucket. We all have a bucket of what our bodies can handle, be it stress, less-than ideal food choices, environmental toxins/disrupters, infections, alcohol etc. Basically anything that doesn’t serve our body, but instead that our body must process and flush out. The systems (ex. lymphatic, immune) and organs (ex. liver, kidneys) in our body are always working on our behalf to bail out the bucket and properly dispose of waste. Things start to go a haywire when our buckets are overflowing and our bodies can no longer keep up.

Cancer first occurs at a cellular level, when a cell is damaged and mutates. Normally, our bodies (immune system) will recognize and destroy the damaged cancer cell. This is where the bucket comes in. An overflowing bucket creates an environment where cancer is not immediately eliminated from the body, but instead can thrive. Cancer rapidly reproduces itself, creates protection barriers, and establishes a source of energy, creating a storm of cascading effects in the body. This process occurs over quite some time and the “storm” at varying degrees is usually the time when we become aware of cancer in our bodies.

For me, my storm was an uncountable number of tumors in my neck, chest, and abdomen. The largest tumor I had was about the size of a grapefruit, but was deep inside my chest, pushing on my internal organs, not protruding at all. I was told that my cancer was likely growing for about six months before we found it. Knowing what I know now, I believe that the 6 months was referring to the phase of rapid growth in my body, so the storm alone.

When I look back now, I am able to see red flags my body sent up to try to alert me that my body was under a state of stress. At the time, I didn’t know how to listen to my body. I thought that illness or discomforts just “happened to me.” At 16, I “had” shingles. At the time, I treated shingles at something that happened to me. I didn’t look at it as a sign that my body was under stress or that its bucket may have been teetering into a dangerous place of overflowing.

I find it incredibly empowering that cancer doesn’t just magically “happen.” For so many years I gave the concept of cancer all of the power. If it “happened” to me again, I would have to deal with it. Never once in nearly 16 years of survivorship did I believe that I really had the power to influence my own health when it came to cancer. Now that I do, health is not simply a fad that I participate in like a diet. I don’t think of toxins or food that hurts my body as a “cheat”. I look at the bigger picture. When I look at my life overall, am I creating a space where my body can happily carry out its daily functions, or am I hindering that process with my inputs? Am I filling my bucket faster than my body can empty it? The answer for me is no. This doesn’t mean I am perfect or that I make perfect decisions all of the time, I believe in balance, in 80/20, and in removing the stress of “being healthy” and simply just being kind to my body more than I am not.

#2 Our Bodies Are Healing Machines

Our bodies are healing themselves in big and small ways every single moment of the day, so much so that we don’t even notice. Take a paper cut for instance. We get a paper cut, ouch! it stings! Then within a matter of hours, it stings less. Within a day or two, it is completely closed up. Before the week is over, we might not even be able to see where the paper cut was on our skin. When you really sit and think about it, it’s kind of miraculous right?

Much more than a paper cut, our bodies encounter potential cancer cells on a daily basis and stop them in their tracks. Our body is doing this on our behalf all day, every day, on scales microscopic and large.

When I think about it, our bodies give us so much room for error. They accept that we are humans and we are going to put our bodies through less than favorable situations. Some of us drown our organs in alcohol, our body screams at us for doing so with a hangover, but our bodies still works as hard as possible to repair the damage done and attempt to find homeostasis again.

That’s the thing, our bodies are always looking to find homeostasis. What is homeostasis? Homeostasis is any self-regulating process by which biological systems tend to maintain stability while adjusting to conditions that are optimal for survival. If homeostasis is successful, life continues; if unsuccessful, disaster or death ensues.

Why is this something I wish I would have known? I wish I had understood how to support my body’s effort to heal instead of making it harder to heal. Going back to the bucket analogy, I finished chemo and I went right back to overflowing my bucket. I was 19 and a sophomore in college, I had a “fuck cancer” party after returning to school where I went right back into the typical binge drinking patterns I had prior to cancer. I also immediately dove back into a full course-load in school, a whopping four days after finishing treatment. I could barely walk up a flight of stairs without stopping, but was determined to make up all of the credits I had missed and graduate on time (which I did). As the years went by, the stress load I put on myself only compounded, I pulled countless all-nighters in architecture school, then moved onto New York where a 100+ hour work week was normal for me. Through it all, most of my moments in between the stress were filled with alcohol binges, that also felt very normal and acceptable.

Looking back, I now see how strong my body has been over the years. I have overflowed its bucket for years on end, ignoring every signal my body sent me to slow down. Now that I have the understanding that I do, I thank my body daily. I thank it for taking care of me when I was unaware of how to take give it the support it needed. I thank it for healing on my behalf enough over the years to give me the time to arrive at a place of greater understanding. I thank it for allowing for me to grow a child and mother a child. I thank it for still being there for me when I decided that my health mattered in a real way, when I decided to build strength, when I decided to finally stop the overload of shitty food, toxins, and dysregulated emotions.

I now feed into the healing machine that my body is. I am aware of the different systems within my body and how they all work together to strive for homeostasis. I treat my body more like the healing body it is, fueling it with real food, listening to its cues, and honoring it when it encounters a point of struggle.

#3 Cancer Is Not Just Physical

When we think of cancer, we tend to focus on the physicality of it, kind of like a broken arm instead of a systemic problem. We think there is a tumor located in area ‘x’ of the body, like the body is divided into sections on the inside. Yes, we have limbs, but our body is one system. It is an incredibly complex system, but every input, physical and psychological impacts the system as a whole. One day I will go more into depth about some of the different systems of the body and how they work together, it is nothing short of miraculous. For today, we will move ahead with the understanding that the body is one system of many parts.

I had been a surviver for 15 years when I learned about the mind-body connection. At the time it was a completely foreign concept to me. I learned about it while on a search for answers, I had just gone through an extremely difficult emotional time in my life and at the time was going through a difficult physical time. My hair was falling out, my hormones were swinging all over the place, I had swollen lymph nodes in my neck, I had rashes on my legs for months at a time, I was gaining weight in a way I never had, and the list goes on. At the time, western medicine was my only go-to for anything health related. My primary care doctor had zero answers for me and guessed that I was “stressed or something.”

I started to search for answers. In my search, the mind-body connection persistently came up. It felt a little woo woo to me that your thoughts, stress, or gratitude mattered when it came to your body. Nonetheless, I was intrigued and started studying the connection. What I found wasn’t woo woo at all, it was all science-backed information and countless first hand experiences sharing how through bringing awareness to calming the nervous system, the body is also calmed. A simple way I like to explain the mind-body connection is to picture a time when you are really stressed, your muscles are all tensed up, then someone you love tries to give you an unwanted hug. It can feel like your body is almost repelling the hug and the experience makes you tense up even more. Your body is unable to absorb something good because it is in a state of stress. So lets imagine you’re in a relaxed state and that same person gives you a hug. Instead of tensing up, you relax into the hug and absorb the positive energy and love being given to you.

Now put your mind back to that state of tension. Imagine a more literal representation of the tension, like clenching your fist. If you clenched your fist for even an hour, your hand would start to get tired, it might even tingle. What if you kept your fist clenched for days or weeks? It would be exhausted. This is what is happening inside your body when you are holding a state of tension for a long period. Some call this being stuck in fight or flight. It is a common response when your body doesn’t feel safe and when your mind isn’t relaxing.

Your body is designed to respond to stress signals to keep you alive. Let’s say you see a tiger, your body is going to turn off non-essential processes to prepare to escape the danger in front of you. Digestion isn’t prioritized, hair growth is certainly non-essential, fertility is also non-essential if your life is at risk. You get the picture. The by product of this state of stress is higher blood pressure, inflammation, and the release of cortisol and adrenaline, weakened immunity the list goes on.

So why is cancer not just physical? Because cancer is a sign that your body is struggling to heal itself. Activating your parasympathetic nervous system and letting go of stress and fear in your body isn’t a luxury, it is a necessity of your body. I will do a blog post soon (maybe next) on how I got my body out of fight or flight and later learned to easily meditate and create a more grounded mental state for myself. For those looking for more answers now, a few of my most favorite books on the topic are:

#4 Mindset Matters

Building on the information about about the mind-body connection, mindset is one of the most important aspects in my eyes to fighting disease, especially cancer. When I was treated for cancer, I was 19. I whole heartedly believe that being young and completely naïve was a large component of my healing. While fighting cancer, I didn’t believe that my cancer would kill me. I treated it like a disruption in my life and was more focused on getting back to my life as a student that I didn’t create space for me to be anything but optimistic about my outcome. Chemotherapy and radiation therapy both certainly knocked me down, very hard at times, but I was more focused on when I feel good enough to go and see my friends at college or exercise again to let cancer make me feel “down.” My doctor used to be shocked that I would go for runs after receiving one of my harshest chemo drugs, vincristine. She would ask me to not be around too many people as my immune system built itself back up and I would tell her that I was only going to see my 100,000 best friends at the Big House that weekend. She would also give me a disappointed look, with a side smile (she was a Michigan alum). I wasn’t thinking rationally, I was just grasping at any ounce of who I was before cancer.

I remember one time specifically when I was starting to feel better after chemo and I told my mom I was going to drive to Ann Arbor to see my friends at school, about 90 miles from our home. She urged me not to go, said I just didn’t look very good. She wanted me to wait until I after my bloodwork the following day. I was adamant about going, and she eventually gave into my desperation and let me go. The next day I got my bloodwork done in Ann Arbor and the doctors called immediately. I needed a blood transfusions. My mom was right and my body was not capable of doing much of anything. My parents came and got me and drove me back to Grand Rapids for my blood transfusion.

I tell this story because without knowing it at the time, I was keeping my energy alive during my cancer treatment, which I wholeheartedly believe helped my outcome. I now know that it is scientifically proven that negative emotions like anxiety or depression can heighten the perception of pain, while positive emotions can release endorphins, which act as natural painkillers. And that is also proven that optimism and a strong will to heal have been linked to faster recovery from illness or surgery.

Moving into my cancer-free life, this concept is still applicable. Practices of gratitude and positivity are more than a “good practice”. I have learned through study and self-practice, the incredible way that gratitude can shift our mindsets, on everything. When we look at life searching for beauty, we find it. Likewise, when we look for misery, we will also find it. For me, when I practice gratitude, the light in my world and within myself intensifies. I see more beauty in the world around me, in my family, friends, and strangers. The result is more than being a little bit happier, my nervous system is calmed, my body feels safe, and I am physically able to thrive.

Again, I will do more posts on this in the future, but for anyone looking to dive into the miracles of mindset, I love the following resources:

  • Wabi Sabi: The Wisdom in Imperfection, Nobuo Suzuki (link to this book on Amazon)

    • This is a beautiful book exploring the concept of Wabi Sabi and releasing the expectation of perfection

  • The Five Minute Journal (link to this book on Amazon…also available sometimes for less at Target depending on sales)

    • This is a journal that guides you through growing your gratitude. It is a simple and beautiful practice. I have completed this journal a few times.

  • The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Sri Swami Satchidananda (link to this book on Amazon)

    • A little more technical, but this books dives into the primary objectives of yoga (the mind) versus the typical yoga we think of (physical). It is a great study of the practice of peace.

“Miracles Happen”

Every time I think of the topics above, I think of something my dad once said to me. My dad is a cardiothoracic surgeon (oversimplified: a heart surgeon). He devoted his entire life to healing others through the practice of surgery and was deeply grounded in the world of Western Medicine as a way to heal. One day, I was talking to him about a family member with a difficult prognosis. He was telling me that there was a likely chance that she would not make it. When I objected that she had to make it, he said to me “miracles happen.”

When I think of this statement, to me, it isn’t so much that some kind of magic steps into the situation, but instead that factors that we don’t fully understand are at play. The medical world has evolved greatly since I was treated for my cancer, so I cannot speak for how even my same team of doctors practices medicine today. Personally, I like to imagine a world where hospitals do more than treat disease, but are centers of true healing. Where minds and bodies are supported to step closer to homeostasis and fight disease through activating the internal systems we already have within us. To me, “miracles happen” means that there is room for us to expand our understanding and heal in ways that aren’t necessarily fully understood, but more apt to being felt.

I sincerely hope this post is empowering to others that our bodies do not defy us and that through supporting our bodies we can unlock the kind of healing that miracles are made of.

The above statements are my own experience, but if you are looking to learn more about cancer, how our bodies work, how to live a life to prevent cancer, and helpful knowledge about treating cancer, I highly recommend Dr. Connealy’s book The Cancer Revolution. I found this book to be informative and helpful to widening my understanding of what really happens when cancer comes into our bodies.

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