I have a vivid memory of being 16, sitting in the passenger seat of my friend’s white Jetta, cruising around town. We were new friends and in many ways, she felt much cooler than me. She turned up the music and started dancing so freely, while I sort of bobbed my head. She reached over and shook my shoulders, saying “Loosen up! Dance!” I remember feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin in that moment, but also all I wanted to do in that moment was to dance as carelessly as she did, but why couldn’t I?

It wasn’t long after this experience that I found alcohol. I remember for the majority of my adult life using alcohol to unlock my ability to freely dance, and really freely be myself. Of course there were moments where I danced without care and without a substance to push me, but I was usually alone and if I was around others, it always was a little bit restrained. But for the most part, I used alcohol, as many do, to numb my discomforts and have fun, which I certainly did for many years.

Fast forward to 2024, I was at a concert, kind of bobbing along. 2024 was a year of far less drinking that I have done in the past, so I happened to be attending this concert sober, something a me of year’s past would have never even considered. So there I was, at the concert, bobbing a long and then mentally I was like, “What the fuck am I doing? Just enjoy it, fully.” In that tiny moment, that no one around me saw, I gave myself permission to dance freely. I had the most fun that night and I walked away with a different kind of confidence in myself. That fear of being myself, unapologetically, in front of others had dissipated.

What changed?

How I arrived at that small moment at that concert wasn’t by accident. Sure, I didn’t plan it, but I also had worked incredibly hard for it, and it all came out of a place of hitting rock bottom within myself. 2020 was a hard year for me, as it was for many. I was a new stay at home mom, who was more comfortable working. I had a double mastectomy—3 surgeries in 6 months. And amidst that process, I became estranged from my parents and one of my three brothers. I didn’t recognize my life, I didn’t recognize my body, and I was terrified in most social situations that I would say something wrong and be abandoned or vilified. I was uncomfortable and attempting to navigate defining a new normal from a really painful place.

2020 was an emotional bottoming out, and 2021 brought a physical bottoming out. I now understand the body as a system much better than I did then and I know that the physical bottoming out was largely due to the dysregulated emotional state I was living in. I have so much to share on this and I will share all aspects of my full healing journey on this blog. Today, I’ll have to breeze through this part, because today is about dancing.

2022 was a year of beginning to heal myself from the inside out. A lot of my healing came through understanding myself, and so. much. reading. In 2022 and 2023, I dug myself out of my constant state of fight-or-flight, learned to forgive myself and others…like really forgive…, and began to cultivate peace within my body and my mind.

2024 was a big year for me internally. I finally felt at peace enough to begin to build my new foundation, something that looking back, I’m not sure I have ever done in my life. My foundation began with taking control over all aspects of my human experience:

• I became comfortable and strong in my own body, largely thanks to over 150 yoga classes that year and a lot of movement.

• I held myself accountable for my own peace, because even though I had arrived at a peaceful place, it felt unsteady and temporary in some ways. I learned to cultivate my peace, protect my peace, and developed a strong meditation practice.

• I held myself accountable for my own health. Using the holistic understanding of the body and its systems to support my body through everyday life, instead of making everyday life on my body more difficult.

• I started to ground myself gratitude for myself, my body, and my life.

• I held myself accountable for my own actions and self-reflection, but with grace. I let myself be human, make mistakes, and be far less than my best, but still learn from those less than ideal moments without a harsh self judgement.

(*side note, it feels like such an injustice to breeze over all of this, but I promise, there is SO much to come on this blog.)

What does any of this have to do with dancing?

I was dancing with my daughter the other day on the way to school and the question of “when did it become difficult to dance?” came into my head. Here she was, five years old, we were both dancing our hearts out in our seats. It took me a lot of work to get there, and all it took her was turning on the music and someone showing her that it was okay to be ourselves. For me, the answer to the question is that it gets difficult to dance when we no longer give ourselves permission to just be who we are, as we are.

In 2024, I created a new foundation for my life all from a place of accountability, empowerment, and gratitude…imperfections allowed. I established a new “me-ness” in my life that for the first time in my life gave me true permission to be myself, express myself freely, and grace when that fell short. In this new space I had created for myself, dancing was easy. I didn’t need the nudge of alcohol or something stronger to let me enjoy the experience I was having in that moment at the concert, I simply was able to enjoy it and be myself within it.

At the end of that show, a stranger came up to me and told me that she and her friend had been watching me all night and loved how happy I looked. The way she spoke to me was so endearing and it reaffirmed that tiny decision I had made, but it also brought to my attention the magnetism that radiates when you choose to be yourself. Sometimes I can’t help but think what the world would look like if we could all be a little more accepting of ourselves.

A little hope.

We all have our struggles in life, we all have the big and little moments that scar us and prevent us from fully shining our own light. My journey to myself is one that I will always continue to work at, and it will continue to wind in ways that are unique to my life and personal circumstances.

While we are not all the same, we all do have an inherent desire to be loved, recognized, and accepted. Until this last year, I didn’t realize the importance of fulfilling those desires within myself. While the process took time and patience, it has given me a renewed energy for life and living. Even with all of the work I have put into myself, the life I create around myself isn’t always smooth sailing. After all, I am human, I make plenty of mistakes, and the missteps are certainly part of the me-ness that I live in.

The reason I have chosen to write this blog is because so much of my healing came from listening to others, their stories, their research, and their experiences. I am sharing my story, some of the places where I struggled deeply, and some of the ways I have learned how to thrive, is in hopes that maybe it will one day help one reader find a little more ease in life, whatever path they are on. My road has not been perfect, and I don’t have it all figured out, but maybe I can help someone unlock a magical piece of themselves…and maybe even dance.

More soon,
Susan